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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

everyday. this.

I have a lot of dreams when I was a kid. A beautiful wedding at my favorite church, a stable job in a big office with spectacular view, a 3 bedroom house with a small garden and of course a loving husband who will be my bestfriend when I'm old.

My dreams came true, except for the house part. I got married in a beautiful church, had a stable job and a wonderful husband. Still, I never dreamed of becoming a mother. The thought never crossed my mind even once. Whenever I have to look out for my cousins or pamangkins, I thank God that they're not mine.

Yet look at me now. Smelling fresh poop straight from a diaper, checking if the smell or consistency is alright. I can still taste the snot on my mouth and I don't even have a cold. The once always-fully -made-up face has now been replaced with pasty-big-pores-accentuated-with-black-circles-under-the-eyes look. Gone are the swirly skirts, fashionable tops, vintage accessories and fitted jeans. My wardrobe now consists of buttoned down cheap blouses and my perfume smells like milk and sweat combined.

I had a huge lifestyle change when Sandy was born. There were good things and not so bad ones. I found a work-from-home job that pays good and I can breastfeed and be with her all the time. On the other side, I had to say goodbye to going out with my girlfriends. Besides the fact that Sandy doesn't want to leave my side, I find going out a little tiring and meaningless. I stopped communicating with my friends for awhile. Oh yes, they would love to hear about the new baby, but who wants to listen to someone talking about the same thing over and over again? They are all childless, you see, so no one will understand why I worry about food passing to the breastmilk. Or why Sandy's poop has a different color, or how amazing it is that she can say pah-pah. I also stopped checking out shoe stores because my time is so limited and I'd rather spend all of them browsing through baby items. I turn on the TV to watch my favorite show and Sandy will kick and scream so I'll end up watching her instead. At night, when she's asleep, I'll slowly creep out of the bed to get some work done. And when I'm done working, I'll realize that I'm not sleepy anymore. So to keep myself busy, I'll make sure that she's comfortable. I'll start by checking if her head is in the right angle, or if her back is positioned properly. My eyes will start to close then, my lips parting slightly, getting ready to dream. All of a sudden, she'll move, first looking to her right, then to her left and finally, she'll whimper and tap me. There's no use pretending you're asleep coz she'll just whisper those sweet sounds, "haa, haaa, hayyy, haaa" and you wouldn't want to miss that. After getting 2-3 hrs of sleep, you'll see the faint light passing through the blinds and hear the stirrings of a waking baby. I often find myself wishing if I can just sleep a little longer. Sometimes, I even wish that I'm just dreaming, that I can sleep as long as I want, that I can still do whatever I please. There are mornings when she's still a couple of weeks old (I think I'm experiencing the baby blues then), that I wish everything will just go away. I know I can't ignore her any longer. I open my eyes and see her face light up at the thought of knowing mommy's just beside her. And she'll start to smile this cute little smile that will become a huge toothless grin once you start singing "Good morning, good morning" from a diaper commercial jingle.

That's my life right now. And I won't change a thing.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

We've been expecting you!

She's here! Finally. I was on my 40th week when I had my last checkup. My OB said that my uterus is contracting already (even though I'm not feeling anything) but sent me home anyway telling me to be back again on Wednesday. I can't help feeling disappointed. It was already my due date and Sandy still doesn't want to come out. She's gotten so heavy that I don't think I can go another day carrying her. We went to the mall after the checkup and went window shopping for 5 hours. When we went home, I still feel a little sad that we won't be seeing her anytime soon. So we talked to her while watching TV and promised that we'll take her to Disneyland if she comes out that night. Around 11PM, I felt like I'm having contractions but ignored it because I don't want to have any false hopes. I didn't knew then that that was really 'IT' because I was expecting the pain to come from my belly and not from my backside. I told hubby to get some rest coz if this is the real thing, I want him to be fully rested. Who knows when we'll be able to do it again? Around 1:30am, the pain came in 5-10 min intervals so I woke up hubby. I went to the bathroom and there was a bloodshow so we decided to go to the hospital but not after taking a short bath. After taking lamaze classes for 6 weeks, I feel like an expert on the birth preparation. We didn't panicked at all. I guess it's because we wanted to see our little Sandy so bad that the small things such as contractions doesn't bother us anymore.

After 2 hours of not so painful contractions, I gave birth at exactly 5:20 AM to our precious little angel, Sophia Andrea who weighs 7.2 lbs. I was so excited to see her that I almost didn't feel any pain. I wasn't given any medications except for the stitches. It really was a magical moment, hearing your baby's first cry. Finally I get to meet the little one who keeps on poking my ribs.

Isn't she lovely with her swollen eyes and puffy cheeks?

Nursery Rules:
I didn't know that I can go to my baby anytime I want. I thought I'll only get to see her during visiting hours. But when our pedia, Sherwin's aunt, told me that my baby is looking for me, a small part of me died. Apparently, mommies can go to the nursery ANYTIME so they can hold, smell and breastfeed their babies. GRRRR! I didn't know! If only I knew, then they wouldn't give her formula. Now, my baby has cross milk allergy :( It's all my fault. And she could've been waiting for mommy to hold her the whole time I was resting!

Another reason why she had to stay in the nursery for five days is because she was diagnosed with early jaundice. My heart breaks whenever I see her naked, wearing only her nappies while she's having photo/light therapy. I cried everywhere. In the cab, in the bathroom, in my sleep. I miss her so much. It was the saddest feeling. Just when I'm just getting used to her smell and face.

Anyway, enough about that. On her 6th day, we were finally able to bring her home. Here are her 6th day photos.

She's so lovely and small. I'm so afraid I might break her!!!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

something new

A lot of good things happened lately.

I got a new job. A work from home design job. The pay is great and I can get up as late as I want. After whining about my previous job, I finally got what I wanted. When I told my friends about it, they said it was a blessing from my baby. I never thought about it that way. Now I do. Thanks my baby. While we're at the subject of my pregnancy, I'm feeling a bit okay now. I'm on my way to second trimester which is good. No more dizziness, just occassional headaches and heartburn. I can now laugh and joke about things. I can kiss my husband without wanting to vomit. I really feel great. I'm beginning to feel excited about my baby. Wonder if it's a girl? Things are doing okay at my parent's house. They still lead separate lives but they are very civil with each other. Mom visits from time to time to iron Papa's clothes. Then we'll visit and play with chabby. She's sooo adorable. Especially when she talks. She speaks english by the way. I so wish we can have a girl. I just saw my college friends. We had a small reunion at Pansol, Laguna. It was fun but I noticed that everyone slept really early. (2AM) Guess we're not getting any younger. There are new boyfriends, girlfriends, kids but everyone's still the same.

Everything's okay. ALMOST.We still live here in Paranaque. My mother/brother in law are cool. We're saving a lot of money too. It's just I don't really feel at home. I feel a little out of place. I want our own place, to be the queen of my own domain. Who doesn't anyway?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


i'm gonna be a mom.

should be glad, happy, never sad.

but i don't know how i can go on much longer.

my eyes are closing, i'm dizzy, and i can't sit still.

i feel like dying.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

someday, we'll have a go at it.

(inspired by a thread)

hello dzoiey, this is a letter to your future self, one year from now. i hope you will not disappoint me. you have a huge compilation of artworks. they are beautiful. you are now ready to show it to the world. it may be a small world like deviantart or any art website of some sort. either way, you will do good. it will be a 40-page 8 x 10 showcase. any medium will do. put everything in there. make it come alive.

i can't wait.

tonight i write the saddest lines

Pablo Neruda (1904-1973)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, `The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
And I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

this is so sad. my all time favorite poem.