everyday. this.

I have a lot of dreams when I was a kid. A beautiful wedding at my favorite church, a stable job in a big office with spectacular view, a 3 bedroom house with a small garden and of course a loving husband who will be my bestfriend when I'm old.

My dreams came true, except for the house part. I got married in a beautiful church, had a stable job and a wonderful husband. Still, I never dreamed of becoming a mother. The thought never crossed my mind even once. Whenever I have to look out for my cousins or pamangkins, I thank God that they're not mine.

Yet look at me now. Smelling fresh poop straight from a diaper, checking if the smell or consistency is alright. I can still taste the snot on my mouth and I don't even have a cold. The once always-fully -made-up face has now been replaced with pasty-big-pores-accentuated-with-black-circles-under-the-eyes look. Gone are the swirly skirts, fashionable tops, vintage accessories and fitted jeans. My wardrobe now consists of buttoned down cheap blouses and my perfume smells like milk and sweat combined.

I had a huge lifestyle change when Sandy was born. There were good things and not so bad ones. I found a work-from-home job that pays good and I can breastfeed and be with her all the time. On the other side, I had to say goodbye to going out with my girlfriends. Besides the fact that Sandy doesn't want to leave my side, I find going out a little tiring and meaningless. I stopped communicating with my friends for awhile. Oh yes, they would love to hear about the new baby, but who wants to listen to someone talking about the same thing over and over again? They are all childless, you see, so no one will understand why I worry about food passing to the breastmilk. Or why Sandy's poop has a different color, or how amazing it is that she can say pah-pah. I also stopped checking out shoe stores because my time is so limited and I'd rather spend all of them browsing through baby items. I turn on the TV to watch my favorite show and Sandy will kick and scream so I'll end up watching her instead. At night, when she's asleep, I'll slowly creep out of the bed to get some work done. And when I'm done working, I'll realize that I'm not sleepy anymore. So to keep myself busy, I'll make sure that she's comfortable. I'll start by checking if her head is in the right angle, or if her back is positioned properly. My eyes will start to close then, my lips parting slightly, getting ready to dream. All of a sudden, she'll move, first looking to her right, then to her left and finally, she'll whimper and tap me. There's no use pretending you're asleep coz she'll just whisper those sweet sounds, "haa, haaa, hayyy, haaa" and you wouldn't want to miss that. After getting 2-3 hrs of sleep, you'll see the faint light passing through the blinds and hear the stirrings of a waking baby. I often find myself wishing if I can just sleep a little longer. Sometimes, I even wish that I'm just dreaming, that I can sleep as long as I want, that I can still do whatever I please. There are mornings when she's still a couple of weeks old (I think I'm experiencing the baby blues then), that I wish everything will just go away. I know I can't ignore her any longer. I open my eyes and see her face light up at the thought of knowing mommy's just beside her. And she'll start to smile this cute little smile that will become a huge toothless grin once you start singing "Good morning, good morning" from a diaper commercial jingle.

That's my life right now. And I won't change a thing.